FUNDAMENTAL HAPPINESS Series 47 - ROMANTIC HEARTBREAK: AN OPENING FOR JOY

ROMANTIC HEARTBREAK: AN OPENING FOR JOY

Hi Friends,

Now, what exactly do you make of the title of this post?

Before you slam me for making such an outrageous suggestion, let me assert that I am not premising that you refrain from romantic or passionate relationships. Rather, I urge you try everything possible that you think will make you really happy. In my book, ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY? I say that none of my suggestions for making a shift towards FUNDAMENTAL HAPPINESS has any moral bearing. So let us keep morality completely out of this discussion.

Romantic love is not something that was discovered in the twentieth century. It has been there from ancient times, and even folk tales and popular culture reflect this very strong aspect of human emotion. 

Many will agree that finding a loving romantic partner gives that sense of bliss and fulfilment. It gives us a comforting feeling of completeness. Suddenly everything seems to fall in place. On the other hand, those who are yet to find their true love or those who have just broken out of a loving relationship, may often feel a strong undercurrent of incompleteness and meaninglessness.

These are not new developments in human society. However, romantic alliances and their break are more out in the open today. The same dynamics exist in conservative societies too, but usually under a cloak of secrecy.

As society evolves, gets more liberal, modern and open, there is enormous peer pressure on persons who have not yet been able to 'find' their love! What we also witness more in open societies, is frequent break-ups in romantic relationships leading to a lot of pain, trauma and often a desperate need to enter into another relationship.

If you are one of those heart-broken, jilted lovers, this is what you must NEVER DO: 

1. Do not lapse into self-pity. It's tempting, and at some level does provide some solace. But that comfort is very short lived. You may soon lapse into further misery.
2. Do not, even remotely, try to pin blame on your ex-partner. Some may make it their life's mission to get even with the partner who rejected them, trying to bring misery at the other end. That WILL NOT make you happy. 
3. Never get into analysing why the break happened. And, do not fall into the temptation of rewinding it repeatedly in your mind.
4. Never, beg or plead with your partner to have you back. Even if you get the partner back, you are certain to enter the most hellish phase of your life.
5. Finally, do not rush to find another partner. Here too the temptation is great, just to find someone to fill the void. If you do so, you will have  'successfully' covered a sense of emptiness, but given away that golden opportunity of finding lasting JOY. Yes, do find another partner, but subsequently from this joyous state, not out of desperation.

Is all this easy to do? No. If you desist from these five possible actions, you will suffer immediate pain. ACCEPT THAT PAIN. Do not fight it, or pretend that you are not in pain. Do not try to divert from it. Just face it. As you PASSIVELY face this suffering, be careful not to get into self pity (point number 1 above) or get angry (point number 2). At the back of your mind remember the five things you MUST NOT do. While observing your suffering, forget the reason behind it. The moment you go there, the mind takes over and you lose the plot. Be courageous, but do not try to ignore the pain.

So, am I crazy that I suggest you adopt a posture whereby you suffer pain? Well, this pain is your door to lasting FUNDAMENTAL HAPPINESS. It will come in flashes and then subside again. In a few days time, you will feel so comfortable that a new realization will dawn upon you. Now you will know that you had earlier attached too much importance to your relationship. You were possibly clinging to it.

When you confront your pain, it helps to consider that this suffering is actually the real inner state of human existence which was successfully covered up so far. Truly speaking, your broken relationship has nothing to do with it. Your alliance had only helped to cover up this inner malaise, and the break-up has helped to uncover it again. The trick is to not try covering it up again. Face it, without connecting it to any cause. The moment you accept this fundamental truth, you will find lasting peace and joy. Now, if need be, go ahead and find a true partner!

My book, ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY?  has a full section devoted on romantic love and its consequences. As I say, you can use any unhappiness as a door for moving towards FUNDAMENTAL HAPPINESS. Romantic break-up is only one example, but a very good one.

For a summary of links to earlier interesting posts: please click here.

Cheers!

Deepak Chatterjee

chatterjee.deepak33@gmail.com

www.facebook.com/ChatterjeeDeepak

@Deepak33C

If you are following this blog through email, the post that you receive in your in-box does not have the blog archives and other features. At times the formatting is not good. For a better view you can see the entire blog at: 

http://fundamentalhappiness.blogspot.com/

FUNDAMENTAL HAPPINESS Series 46 - DEPRESSION CURE: FOCUS ON REPETITIVE, MUNDANE WORK

Depression Cure: Focus on Repetitive, Mundane Work

Hi Friends,

This is my first post of 2015. May we all have a great, joyful year.

I have been dwelling on Depression Cure for the last few months. More specifically, through my recent posts, I have attempted to come straight to the point: what steps you can take to joyfully emerge beyond depression. I refrain from the usual terminology: beating depression, fighting depression or your victory against depression. Regular readers of this blog and those who have read my book: ARE YOU REALLY HAPPY? will understand why. Struggling is precisely what you have to give up. Do not run away from depression. Observe it, Embrace it, it will melt away. At the end of this post I will give links to some of my earlier posts on this. They will be helpful.

Now, here is one other simple way of quietly moving into the NOW and finding a joyful existence beyond depression and boredom. 

Our daily lives are full of activities that are repetitive, often mundane and do not require much attention. Yet, we cannot skip them. How about quietly focussing on them? I have given some examples in my book from my lived experiences. 

I was exchanging notes with my daughter about where our minds are when we drive. During my younger days, I used to drive mostly on my reflexes. I recall having driven, say, from work to home, with my mind being everywhere except on my driving! I often shudder to think that on reaching home I was able to recall nothing about my driving, neither the route nor about how I negotiated it. I only remembered my train of thoughts; and those had nothing even remotely to do with my driving! 

All those who are confident about driving and do not have to think too much will understand this situation. My daughter shared exactly the same experience with me.

Forget whether you enjoy driving or not. Just try and focus on everything that you are doing while driving. I'm not suggesting that you get tense. If you are a relaxed driver, you cannot force yourself to get stressed. 

Just passively notice all that you are doing. How you navigate, respond to the traffic on the road, how you slow down, wait at signals, how you turn, accelerate... and so on. All this you can do on reflex. But I am suggesting that do not drive on reflex. Just observe each action of yours. Turn off the radio. Your mind will want to wander away. Gently bring it back to your driving. Feel the steering wheel that you are holding. In short, it is as if you are closely observing someone else drive!

If you can manage to do this every day, by the time you get off the car, you will notice a new kind of peace descend on you. As you make this a habit, you may notice more peace, a general cheerfulness and a sense of joy within.

One by-product of this practice is that your driving will be safer! Next, you can find so many repetitive, mundane things that we have to do every day. Every time you get busy in any such activity, just remember: do not let your mind wander; and observe yourself closely.

Some people enhance their driving pleasure by listening to loud music, or by getting thrilling kicks. I am not suggesting any of those measures. For, my focus is not to make your driving pleasurable but to help you to move closer to yourself. Do notice that I have suggested you turn off the car radio. Driving is just one example. It could be routine office work or any daily chore at home.

It is like doing whatever you are doing, with your entire being. It's like driving with your being. Our daily lives offer us many such opportunities. If you can master this practice, you will have found an excellent way of moving into the present moment. That is where you find JOY!

You will find this helpful even you are not 'depressed'.

Here are links to some prior posts that are always worth a revisit (please click on the links below to read):

Depression: Threshold to a New Kind of Joy

How to Celebrate Uncaused Depression?

The Only Permanent Cure from Depression

Psychological Depression Vs Uncaused Depression

Cheers!

Deepak Chatterjee

chatterjee.deepak33@gmail.com

www.facebook.com/ChatterjeeDeepak

@Deepak33C

If you are following this blog through email, the post that you receive in your in-box does not have the blog archives and other features. At times the formatting is not good. For a better view you can see the entire blog at: 

http://fundamentalhappiness.blogspot.com/